*This post has been sitting in my filing system for almost a year, I thought it would never see the light of day, but it is time I own it! Time I explore this a little more, so here she is, in all her outing me glory!
Tonight I had a conversation with a love of mine, one that didn’t go down the way I wanted. Now don’t get me wrong, it was actually about nothing, about something really insignificant but to be honest, I was really pissed off.
It was over a matter of hours, actually a matter of hours, as in when we would be heading off for a little adventure. I wanted to get going nice and early. I have been looking forward to getting away and have a limited amount of time. So in my infinite wisdom, I assumed we would get going nice and early. There lies the problem, I assumed.
I get antsy when I don’t get what I want, the way I want it. Certain people would say that comes from growing up an only child, I believe it comes from being a control freak… something that has only come to my attention in the last few years. I figure at least I know it. I am incredibly self aware, it is one of my special talents, along with always selecting the crappy gift bag at cool events (As my beautiful once housemate Mel can attest, I always pick the dud, she would come home with a bounty of AMAZING things and the one I chose would without a doubt have the coolest thing missing!)
So back to tonight. I get noticeably agitated, my body stiffens and my voice get the air of disappointment about it. He notices, gets a little defensive and I deflect. I ask him is he mad? (Because I am mad) I throw my feelings back at him as if they were his own. He continues to chat (Because he isn’t mad) and I continue to stew over not getting my way.
The conversation ends and I am still pissed. Yet I want to apologise… should I apologise? Maybe I should call him back, maybe he is mad…the truth is, he wouldn’t have given it a second thought. They are my feelings. Not his. I want to get these feelings onto him and off of me! Ordinarily I would, not this time. This time I will sit in the uncomfortable, I will own my feelings and I will be ready to smile when he picks me up, whatever time that may be.
Much love, em x