When I started this blog, I wanted to share my heart and soul, my big goal was to be real. To show the real beauty, pain and crap that life can be. Not all sunshine and roses, not all dark and stormy nights but the real deal. The gentle balance that exists within each of us, the battles and the triumphs, the love and the hate and I think for the most part I have done that. I wanted you to feel what I feel and know that you aren’t alone. In the interests of transparency and love I feel it is time to uncover a little of my grief process. For those new to the blog, I lost my darling Dad a few short months ago and not a day goes by where I don’t think of him.
In the beginning, it was most certainly painful, yet in some weird kinda way it was also peaceful. He had been in a lot of pain and fought a bloody good fight, so knowing that the pain was no longer his was actually really beautiful, the pain was now ours. So I cried, I withdrew from life a little and I started, well I thought I had started to grieve.
The truth was my grief started long before he left the earth but this past week, for some reason has been really, really hard. Which feels really, really strange because everything else this past month has been truly beautiful. There have been picnics with friends, long chats with my Mumma, time spent with family, pool dates with my niece and nephew, ocean swims, love and lots and lots of sunshine. Yet every day last week, when I thought of him I cried. As the tears streamed down my face I think my heart truly finally realised that he will never again hear my voice as I update him on my life, that we will never create another memory together.
There was nothing left unsaid when he died, I made sure that he knew who I was, how much I loved him and how proud I was to be his daughter. I guess I just wish he was here to hear the stories that are to come, the love, the heartbreaks, the babies and all the random bits that will make up the rest of my life. We spent some amazing time together this year, some really ordinary moments that for me have created extraordinary memories, just sitting about, chatting and laughing and sometimes, more often than not, doing nothing at all.
There are so many things in the last few months that have caught me by surprise, so many new lessons learnt. I would love to share a few things, I have no doubt the list will grow but so far, here goes;
THE SUPPORT MAY NOT COME FROM WHERE YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD
I can’t tell you how surprised I was by the kindness of almost strangers. People who had known me in the past, people from school and in some cases people I had only just met provided the most heart warming support. I am not sure why this was the case, but I have trouble putting into words how grateful I am to these kind, kind souls. They made me feel so loved and held. Support may not always look as you thought it would, but know that the support you need will present itself, sometimes in the most amazing ways.
IT TAKES A WHILE TO ACTUALLY SEEM REAL
I still sometimes can’t quite believe it.
IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS
It is moments like going to pick up the phone to let him know I am home safely and suddenly remembering I can’t, that are the killers. The simple, little things you totally take for granted. I am sure big events like birthdays and Christmas are going to be tough, but it is the sneakiness of the little moments that catch me and quite often bring me to uncontrollable tears.
I AM STRONGER THAN I EVER IMAGINED
If I can be completely honest, it’s a bloody hard journey!
This is my first dance with losing a loved one, I am super lucky to still have all four grandparents, my dealings with grief in the past have been with the death of a relationship and even then I have been lucky enough to still have these special souls in my life in one way or another. So I was petrified as to how I would cope. I did lots of preparation (I know that sounds creepy but it really did help) not directly with losing him but on myself. I took steps to ensure I had found my centre and that I was as balanced as I could be when the time came. I did this using many techniques, which could be another blog post in itself! So leave that with me! I am on it. Back to strength, I am a whole lot stronger than I ever imagined and as this journey unfolds I continue to surprise myself. It’s hard and it’s sad and at times it’s lonely, but I am here and I need to honour him by continuing to live.
LIFE GOES ON
And he wouldn’t want it any other way.
Thanks again beautiful tribe for letting me share my stuff, allowing me to be myself and tell my story. I would love to hear from you if you if you want to share something grief has taught you, either in the comments below or if you like, send me an email.
Much love, em x