“Expectations Ruin Relationships”
These words rang so true when I first heard them come from the beautiful Melissa Ambrosini, just over 12mths ago and I thought I had done really well implementing this divine idea. Don’t get me wrong, with my man, I did and we are so much better for it. But I hadn’t thought about the impact it was having within my friendship groups, mainly in one, very painful area.
More specifically what happened around the time he died.
Not one of my friends came to his funeral. Not one. (In full transparency my beautiful girl Ali, who I have known her whole life did come, but she is more like a sister and I am grateful for that every day). But the people I considered to be some of my closest friends, the ones I had supported through babies and sick parents and break ups were nowhere to be found. I EXPECTED they would support me in the way I would them. And there lies the obvious problem. I expected.
There is a scene I love in Sex and the City when Miranda’s mother dies. Carries says in the narrative “There’s the kind of support you ask for and a kind of support you don’t ask for. And then there’s the kind that just shows up. “And sadly, much to my surprise, no one showed up for me.
And it hurt me deeply.
Truth be told, it still does, I have let it fester, I haven’t said a word about it, until now.
I have let it distance me from them. I have pulled away for fear of being hurt and let down again. One of the most painful things I have ever experience was overlooked by those that I thought loved me the most. Please understand, they sent me messages of support, they didn’t forget me all together, but they weren’t there. I needed to look around and see them and know that I was supported; I needed them to walk past and squeeze my hand. I needed them there.
Why are we so afraid to tell those we love, the way we feel?
I guess in this instance, I just didn’t know if they would get it. And are they going to be angry that I chose to blog about it rather than raise it directly? Probably. Possibly, I hope not. But this is my truth, my safe space and I am sick of carrying it around with me. It is no good for me, it has me stuck and angry and I don’t want to be either.
So today, I let go of that expectation, the one that says we show up for one another no matter what and understand that life gets in the way sometimes, that all I can do is own my anger, pay attention and let it go, because, truly, life is too short.
Which is what I should have remembered in the first place.
Much love, em x